That Blasted Hat! by Kanokirri
"Why don't you just get rid of it and try to give at least some effort at being normal?" The assassin fumed. He turned angrily to the outrageously dressed drow sitting happily at the only table in the room. Jarlaxle merely looked innocently at him, and perhaps like he was about to yawn. This was not the first time Entreri had brought up such an argument.
But what was there to argue about? Jarlaxle wondered. He liked the way he looked, he knew he was exceptionally beautiful by most peoples' reckoning. Though he would admit that not all people would agree with his assessment of himself, but he figured that they just didn't have as fine taste as he did. Apparently, Entreri was one of those. "What is wrong with my hat, my friend? Many men wear them I assure you. If you just look outside you will see that I am correct."
"Not like that." Entreri spat irritably. "They do not wear hats that look like they were made from the ears of suffocated giants and stuck with a pheasant. I wont even go on about all of those annoying little things you keep inside it! Get. Rid. Of. It. I am sick of looking at you."
The drow painted his face with a disappointed moue. "Oh, but you are cruel Artemis! Pheasants do not produce such large feathers, they are too small. You simply do not have my extraordinary sense of fashion. Why, just look at how plainly you have dressed yourself. In all that black. So dull; it is no wonder that people do not approach you. You look as though you might swallow them into some type of endless void!" Jarlaxle's eyes suddenly went wide. "My friend, you must let me redress you!" he said excitedly.
The assassin did well to hide most of his fear. Most, but not all. A small sliver had escaped onto his face and the mercenary, observant as ever, instantly picked up on it and continued his dramatic overture. "Come now, what is that look for? Surely you don't believe that you will not enjoy it?"
Entreri scowl deepened. "I know I wont enjoy it. I don't want to go around looking like you. Do you honestly believe that you look good in that blasted thing? It looks like it is eating your head."
"You wound me, Artemis." Jarlaxle pouted. He rested his elbow on the table and set his chin on his hand pretending to be hurt. In reality, he was just having so much fun teasing the assassin. He smiled inwardly, knowing that Entreri knew this as well. It pleased him that Entreri would continue even though he likely knew what the elf was thinking.
"Good." Entreri replied. "Let us hope then, that your injuries will impart to you some sense. Why not just get a different one?"
The mercenary waved his hand dismissively, half feigning disgust at the idea. "But I love my hat. It is a most faithful companion, you know. I once had to flee from a crowd of angry duergar, and if I had not had it I surely wouldn't be as beautiful as I am today."
"Did they think it was some sort of giant monster coming at them?" the assassin deadpanned.
"Oh no," Jarlaxle continued returning to his usual offhand manner. "No. I had stored an invisibility spell in it some time before I met with the duergar. I remembered it just as they were drawing their axes."
"And why ever would they want to do that?"
Jarlaxle shook his head and let out an overly expressed sigh. "I do not know that, my friend."
"Perhaps, your hat sent them into a wild frenzy that demanded they attack you and remove it before they all went blind." Entreri offered.
Jarlaxle resumed his pout. "You are too cruel Artemis. What has my hat ever done to you?"
"You mean besides threatening to burn my eyes out every time I must turn to speak to you?"
"Drizzt would not be so cruel."
"What does he have to do with this?"
"Drizzt might not like my hat," Jarlaxle went on, "But he would at least compliment me for my appearance if I asked him. Maybe I should go travel with him instead."
Entreri thought on that for a moment. No Jarlaxle? No annoying drow and his even more annoying hat tormenting him day and night? No more random whims that would most assuredly get him into trouble that would bring him to the precipice of death? The assassin let out a dark, brooding chuckle. No, he reasoned, nothing would ever be that kind. Not that it really mattered to him in the first place. Jarlaxle, if nothing else, gave him something to do with his time. "And I suppose that Kimmuriel would also compliment you?" he jibed. "What if you were covered in toadstools and slime? Would you still believe yourself so beautiful?"
Jarlaxle shrugged. "Provided that toadstools an slime would ever be able to stick to me in the first place. My clothing will simply not allow it. And Kimmuriel will say anything I wish for him to."
"Even if it is something completely ridiculous like 'You look good in that hat'?"
"He would say that he loves you and you are the most handsome man he has ever seen and would do anything to be with you, if I told him to." Jarlaxle laughed heartily.
Entreri's expression fell slack with shock. He had not been expecting something like that even from Jarlaxle. But still...This opportunity was almost too attractive to not take. His curiosity and desire to humiliate the other drow who tormented him won out. "Prove it. I don't believe that he would say such a thing."
"As you will, my friend." Jarlaxle replied still laughing. He took a moment to compose himself before pulling out the whistle he used to call Kimmuriel and blowing on it. The psionicist appeared instantaneously before them looking just a bit surprised.
"It is not time for our scheduled meeting." he said to his leader. "Is there something urgent you need me to attend?"
"Yes, my dear lieutenant, there is. However, I have a question for you first." Jarlaxle replied. Kimmuriel tilted his head to the side displaying his own question. "You would do anything I asked of you, yes?" Kimmuriel nodded not understanding where this was going but got the feeling that he was not going to like it. He cursed the fact that he could not read his employer's mind. "Very good!" Jarlaxle continued clapping his hands together. He approached his fellow drow and leaned to whisper in his ear. Kimmuriel's shocked expression was decidedly comical to the on looking assassin as Jarlaxle told him what to do.
Kimmuriel swallowed hard as Jarlaxle moved away. He looked nervously upon Entreri who looked equally amused as Jarlaxle, but also suspicious he noted. He stepped cautiously forward, glancing briefly back at Jarlaxle who was now biting his lip trying to hold his laughter. He swallowed again and continued crossing the room and placing his graceful hands on Entreri's chest and leaning onto him, looking into his eyes apprehensively pressing closer. "I...I love you...You are- you are the most handsome man I have- I have ever seen in my entire life. And...And I would give anything to be with you!" He finished hurriedly then jumped up onto the tips of his toes and kissed Entreri on the lips before turning and running away through his dimensional doorway. The doorway was gone the instant he passed through it, likely hiding a very scared drow on the other side.
Entreri was speechless, not surprisingly. Jarlaxle let out the wave of laughter he had been trying so desperately to hold back. "What did I tell you my friend. He will say anything I want him to. Though it does not normally go like that. I thought you would enjoy a little kiss as proof. If I had asked him how my hat looked on me, he would have told me that it was just wonderful."
Entreri shook his head in dismay. "Why don't you just get rid of it?"
"Never."
"Then why not get a better looking set of clothes?"
Jarlaxle snapped his hands onto his hips. "Hmph, there you go with you lack of fashion again my friend. I look just fine, thank you. Now why don't you let me redress you into something more attractive?"
Entreri turned his back to the drow to leave the room. "Never." The scowl was easily heard in his tone, but Jarlaxle laughed it off merrily and called on Kimmuriel again once he was gone. He could only imagine the trauma he had just caused his favorite lieutenant.